omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
