I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
