I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
