Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
