Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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