I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
