you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
