is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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