worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
