My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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