Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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