My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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