Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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