I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
