I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
