I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
