Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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