my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
