Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
