After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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