Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
