are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
