If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
