sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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