How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
