now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
being pregnant is like rehab
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My vagina is very pro this idea
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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