im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
