Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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