Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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