I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think my moral compass just broke
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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