sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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