I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
