If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
