Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
