my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
