i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
