Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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