every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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