The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
