I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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