i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
