My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
