i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
