I want to have your abortion
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
