I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
