Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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