I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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