I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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