I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
