Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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